Windows to the SelfIt’s an amazing experience to be known by another person. To be heard, accepted, understood and supported is one of the mysteries and great blessings of human relationships. As communication between myself and another person deepens, and trust and intimacy grow, I am more free to share the hidden parts of myself. There may be other times when my good friend sees characteristics or tendencies in me that I have not been aware of. It can be painful to have those observations or reactions revealed. In the 1950s, two psychologists developed a very simple and helpful model to illustrate some of the dimensions of human interaction. They called the model the Johari Window (a combination of the first names of Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham). The Window illustrates what we know about ourselves, and what we don’t, on one axis; and then what others know about us, and what they don’t, on the other. A 2x2 grid is created when those dimensions are represented visually, like this:(Source: www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html) In Box 1, information that we know about ourselves, and that others know about us, is open to both. These qualities, experiences, feelings and perspectives are often the place at which a relationship begins. As we disclose information about our background, work, leisure pursuits, etc., and as we share feelings and opinions, all of that moves into the Open quadrant. Box 2 represents what others know about us but we don’t know about ourselves. The blind spots that a friend might reveal to me are things known to her (and, I may cringe to say, probably others) but not to myself. Trusted friends can do us a great service by honestly holding up a mirror to us, so that we see ourselves in the “best light.” That does not mean the most flattering or positive light, but the truest, clearest and most authentic. Things that are known to myself but which I don’t share with others are represented in Box 3. I’ve heard it said that it’s wise for each of us to have and keep some secrets, that doing so is a way of differentiating ourselves from others and keeping healthy boundaries. Self-disclosure is an important part of building a relationship and developing intimacy. And many of us have had the experience of sharing “something I’ve never told anyone” with a trusted confidant, and the great relief and comfort in knowing another will help carry the weight of that information. It is important, at the same time, to be discerning about what and to whom we share those deeper things. The last box in the grid holds the things that aren’t known to myself or to others. Sometimes these things come to light in the context of a growing relationship, which may surprise both parties. And there are probably many things about ourselves that always remain hidden and that others will also never know (although that’s tough to determine because they are unknown!). This is the place at which I marvel at the depth and complexity of human beings, who are created in God’s image, including God’s “knowability,” yet who also carry some of the mystery of God’s character. This is just a brief introduction to the Johari Window, a helpful model for visualizing the dynamics of relationships. It can be a useful exercise to think about key relationships with this grid in mind, and to consider where we want growth and new insight in our communication with others. |
