Say Yes to Love or How Not to Marry a JerkAre you tired of getting burned in relationships? Would you like to know how to make better choices in finding a life partner? Do you wonder how you can find a relationship that will last a lifetime? The following are things to keep in mind when considering a dating relationship:
In the past, people were able to successfully choose marriage partners without help from books or classes, but the social situations were much different. During ancient times, arranged marriages were commonplace. Families played a huge role in determining who one would marry. Until modern days, societies were relatively homogenous and stable, so people were more likely to know the family background and history of a potential mate and would choose those they knew to be culturally similar. Today we live in a relatively mixed mobile society, and we are less likely to know much history of a potential mate or to gain input from family members about him/her. It is interesting to note that one currently has to do more preparation for a driver’s license than for a marriage license. The divorce rate has grown over the past century, with huge negative impact on the individuals who are touched by it. I believe that this increase in divorces is in part attributable to the social shifts we’ve seen in regards to marriage. There have been many efforts to reduce the divorce rate, including classes and counseling for married and engaged couples. These have been helpful, but in my experience I have often seen that a couple is unlikely to change their minds, even in a poorly matched situation, once they are engaged. There have not been many classes offered to help people manage their dating and premarital relationships in a healthy manner. CCCOC has joined together with Family Bridges to try to help create more of such opportunities. On November 15 we will be hosting a class, available in both Spanish and English, titled “How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk, or Say Yes to Love.” The class aims to instill knowledge about the dynamics of dating and to help single people avoid getting into unhealthy relationships. Studies have shown that there are five bonding dynamics which make up the closeness and connection in relationships. In understanding these bonding forces, one learns how to manage them in a way that allows one to fall in love in a healthier manner, such that over attachments do not distort one’s perceptions about the relationship. Each of these bonding elements needs to be kept at similar levels in order to maintain the health of the relationship and to allow enough objectivity to make clear decisions in romantic relationships. Doing so helps to avoid the “Love is Blind” syndrome or the feeling that one is too attached to be able to disconnect, even when it becomes apparent that the potential partner has been hiding serious negative character problems. The first of the bonding forces is knowing. There are several areas that one should get to know about a person as the relationship develops. This takes a lot of time, since most people are on their best behavior early in a relationship. The other areas that need to be developed are trust, reliance, commitment, and touch. Many people get married, knowing about problems in their partner and hoping that they will change after the marriage takes place. While it is possible for people to change, it is far more likely to take place before marriage than afterwards. Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant #90FE0011. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families. |
